Now, there's a heading!
I am not sure if I am going to press publish or not yet.. I am just writing to get it out there... so you may or may not be reading this!
Guilt.... Guilt is a bugger... and I Do Guilt at Olympic Gold Level..... over everything, you name it.. I Guilt it! I apologize, I try to make amends.. even if it has nish all to do with me..... Guilt.. A killer.
When I stopped making cards, I Got Guilt, because all my friends were making cards.. I was the odd one out... I had lost all love for cardmaking, but I felt so damn Guilty, I carried on for longer than I should have, and now the love I had lost has turned to hatred, and I seriously cannot make a decent card to save my life..... The same with ATC's.. I lost the mojo, I couldn't follow the guidelines for swaps, and I Got Guilt..... I tried unthemed ones, but they were leaning towards my Arty-Farty Muse, not cardmaking ones, and I Got Guilt that they were not good enough and I was letting the team down......
When I was finally brave enough to start Arting, scribbling, doodling, I got negative comments.... I Got Guilt..... why was I doing this, I should admit I was crap at it and go clean the kitchen or something, Who the Hell did I think I was to pretend I was a frickin' artist? But, Luckily I (not ignored cos the comments stuck, but pushed them to one side) carried on... I now SELL my work.. so hey, Up Yours Guilt..... I win this round!
At the moment, I am having slight Guilt, cos of my DT spot... I am Over-Trying to produce something Fab-U-Lous, and all I am doing is feeding the bin..... and the damn Guilt!
Silly things hit me too..... and it really digs in.... from clothes to music to hair colours....... I have to dump the guilt.. it is a cruel and vindictive lover, and I need a separation order!
BUT.. to get that separation..... I have to work out, who the hell am I? Hey I am Debs, I am a wife and a Mother and a Housewife, and an Artist ...... only I try not to do the House bit of the job description, cos I would rather be doing art (and yes.. then I Get Guilt) But who am I?
On Monday, I am going to be older than I have ever been before..... and I get a new number to label myself with...... and Get Guilt over.... I will be 47. What does a 47 year old wife and mother do? Does she dye her hair scarlet, pull on leggings and a funky top and not care that her hair clashes, and go out and have fun? (I hope so) Or does she do things that portray an image to the outside world of something else, dare I say a Grown Up! (scary)
SO again... who am I? Well.. I will tell you something... I am not me! I am lying to myself!
I am not unhappy with my life.. not at all..... I had an amazing childhood, I am so close to my parents it is untrue, I adore my kids, and as for my hubby... yeah.... I hate to admit it, but I need him in my life..... and I have fabulous friends.... so I am not unhappy.. I have a charmed life, its not the easiest, but I am happy......
But I am not content.. and that is the fault of no-one but myself and my pathetic inablity to stand up to the bastard that is Guilt!
On the inside, I am a flowing frocked, candle bearing Pagan-esque free spirit, a paint splattered, ink drenched Goddess, I have strong leanings towards Witchcraft.... not black magic rats and bats, white witch, herbs and candles and moonlight and meditation....... I am a flamboyant artist, a paint thrower and smoocher, my inner Goddess don't care what anyone else thinks... but the other side of me, is like, You What?? You daft cow.. you can't be parading around with candles at midnight in a floaty nighty-frock... WHAT would people say, It was hard enough to tell people I was studying Buddhism, Witchcraft might be a step too far! LOL .... and then Guilt joins in... and I smother myself to be acceptable to society I suppose. OK yes.... I am fun, easy going and ready for a laugh at a moments notice..... but there is more to me which is buried deeply, for fear of suddenly becoming unacceptable...... an outcast... I know it won't happen (well I hope not) but the fear is there.. fed by Guilt
Why am I typing all this? Cos I can! I am doing The Artists Way at the moment..... and it is making me think...... I have no solutions yet... but the thoughts are there and I am seeing the cracks that I have glued together to make myself feel acceptable as I think I should appear...... I think the time has come to loosen the glue a little, fight the Guilt into submission, and find myself..... Not find myself in a Mid life crisis/Shirley Valentine kinda way and run off with the nearest young man for debauched sex and vodka sessions on a hot beach somewhere...... (although if anyone has Nate Ruess's phone number, I wouldn't say no! LOL) but find myself as in, be brave enough to slowly let bits of me emerge...... and see how it goes! I actually feel heaps better for just typing all this out!
Now.... do I press publish or not???
If I do.. and you are still with me after all this emotional drivel..... Gold Star... and hugs..... Appreciated! <3 xxxx
On a much happier note to end with.. the fabby Jennibellie blogged....ME!!!! Look! :-) Now that goes a looooong way in the Guilt Stamp-Out Fest! :-) Yayyyy!
OK.. I am back... Got Guilt over the blog post after I hit publish .... what if I upset someone by typing all this out? Offend them? .... OMG... Guilt Guilt Guilt!!!
I can clarify, nobody else was involved in the making of this blog...... all the suppression and doubt has been caused by me, and me alone and my patheticness towards growing a set and pushing Guilt over a cliff is my problem and not caused by anyone else!
I WILL NOT feel guilt over this post.. because I have blamed no one but myself, and I am trying to be myself... and that shouldn't upset anyone.....right? :-) x